ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Morning my dudes.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I Can’t Tonight…
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
