ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I am never leaving this website
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
nyc:
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
