ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*pronounces patio like ratio
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
my retirement plan is braless
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
