Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

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DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days


currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out


How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.



Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back


Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.


Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*