I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days
currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
He who laughs first, must be using 3G internet.
Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there
Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*