@ItsAndyRyan

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

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@ibid78

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days

@priya_ebooks

currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

@JeffSarcastic

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

@Barknado69

[Date]

Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back

@bazecraze

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

@brunopieroni

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

@markedly

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*