Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
#parenting
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.