Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

ok like just. call me at this point

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”