ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
found a horse’s reddit account
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF