ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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Every time my phone rings
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
🤣
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats