@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

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@iatemuggles

latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@AddledPixie

Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.

@daddydoubts

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

@Dutch_50

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

@BoomBoomBetty

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.