ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

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latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”


Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.


My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.


Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.


Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.