tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Sounds like a bargain
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Lmao the reply
