Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

good for her

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.