tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
opening twitter today
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife