TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?