TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.