Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

my name if I was in the mob

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.