tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
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How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
crazy
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.