Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.