Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Couple goals

The French cow says MEUX…

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

sir, my pâté if you please

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.