Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

car not found

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably