Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers