Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”