Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.