Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.