Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it