Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.