Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.