Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

This is what makes twitter great

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

It’s an epidemic…

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.