Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
North and South
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍