Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?