[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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So sick of all these stupid rules
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Is this you?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.