Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Husband of the year 😂
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.