Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
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[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online