Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?