TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
the duality of man
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.