Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

Mmmm canned fish.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

Meow?

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot