Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
this is 10/10 content no notes
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Never ghost your hitman.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.