Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.