Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
You Might Also Like
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Creative Problem Solving
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Thank heavens for community notes
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes