Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Not messing around
