Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
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Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Peace was never an option
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
A great tip. #CakeRex
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
can’t bark with your mouth full
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.