terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
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Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.