terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Lmao
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.