Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

May have had one breakfast too many

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.