terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.