TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
それは草
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Birds & Planes.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
How to make infinite energy.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.