Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

*praying for world peace*
God:

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Genius idea!!

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.