Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no