Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.