Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”