Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
It’s a gift
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
not to brag, but mine was free
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.