Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you