Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

My boss called in sick of me

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.