Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
