Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.