Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
![]()
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!