Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.