Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.