Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s