termite twitter scares me
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I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.