termite twitter scares me
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Golf would be better with landmines.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins