termite twitter scares me
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Do not levitate over flowers
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.