termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
A male goth is called a broth.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you