termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
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Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Doggies just call it style.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.