Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

So true for me

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

one last job

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?