Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

But that’s none of my business

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.