Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Good morning y’all ☀️

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.