Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

Well, that should do it

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.