Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy