[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
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A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Basically, any European coat of arms:
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.