Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!