Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Sunday
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.