Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it鈥檚 called a lemon
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I鈥檒l leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
2017: It can鈥檛 get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 馃槅
can鈥檛 catch a break
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I鈥檒l just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she鈥檚 still on Facebook so what does she know.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blas茅 about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?