Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
🤣😂🤣😂
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you