“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Hot Hot Hot
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times