“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.