Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

*pronounces woah like Noah*

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

it’s not been my year

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.