Terribly Tuesday.
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I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
You don’t even know
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.